I declare your beard will be written in history books hundreds of years from now. Your beard will stand along Lincoln, Socrates, and goodman Mr. Norris himself!
Checkmark on that.
Facial hair growth that would make Shakespeare look like a pre-pubescent teenager?
Do you even need to ask?
Having the best beard is no longer up to a higher power my goodman! I have a beard shampoo that will make your face look like a sculpture that Michelangelo would have a hard time creating! Polished Gentleman will complement your beard grooming kit better than Ryan Gosling in a romantic comedy. You may have had beard shapers, beard conditioners, beard balms, beard softeners and beard shampoos before, but Polished Gentleman makes your beard thicker than an American addicted to fast food chains. Be a gentleman and get this softening conditioner yesterday.
- MY GOOD MEN! The beards have come! Care for them with beard conditioner containing my best beard oil! I declare your beard will look like a rabid mongoose no longer!
- I MUSTACHE YOU A QUESTION GOODMAN. Do you tire of owning 47 different types of beard balm, beard shaper and beard conditioner? Well, I have a solution better than that Trojan horse idea.
- YOU MAY OWN A BEARD BRUSH, BEARD COMB, BEARD BEANIE AND BEARD TRIMMER. These will give semblance of taming your hairy holiness, but I do declare Polished Gentleman will give perfection!
- STOP LOLLYGAGGING WITH YOUR FACE! Do you even know what’s in your beard softener goodman? You don’t have to be Steve Jobs to do the research. My organic formula will make your beard fuller than a landfill in Northern California!
- I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU ABOUT FACIAL HAIR GROWTH! Tea tree! Rosemary! Biotin! Aloe! Argan Oil! Peppermint Oil! Manuka Honey! Eucalyptus! I rest my case goodman! Makes a great Xmas present and it will absolutely be the best deal of the day for you today my Goodman!